James from accounting asked me to have coffee with him. Exciting, since he is not ill-looking and although humanity grows shorter every year he is 6ft tall. He is not light-skinned (that is a good thing), and he seems hardworking and doesn’t drink as much as his colleagues. I have lowered my expectations lately. There are issues though…
History, me and men
My mother told me that people would disappoint me but a career never would. Her point was men would disappoint me but a career (job, money I guess ) would not fail me so I should work hard in school and do very well. I don’t remember how old I was but those words tied to my religious beliefs ensured I stayed away from men, whose intelligence didn’t seem much and in most encounters were flaky and unpredictable. I do appreciate a healthy dose of predictability.
So as a thirty (mostly twenty-nine) year old woman I find so many faults in my mother’s logic. For one she has been married for longer than I have been alive. I don’t see her hanging around a disappointment for such a long period of time. If men are disappointing as species she would not be married. Secondly the teaching career, business, soul sucking activity has disappointed me. I have been an undergraduate for so long that I fear higher education is an exercise in futility. But I share that with some people so no big deal. Problem is the people charged with giving me a job denied me one. They made it clear I needed to add a degree to my diploma in education. So, I can teach for the principal but not the government. I had hoped by now I would be threatening to buy land but alas!
My point is my career has disappointed me in more ways than one. My mother’s logic rings hollow in the face of my reality. I was also informed growing up, that men would only like me for my smarts and my job with the big salary because men hate beggars. I do not have a large salary, true I pay my bills but no big salary or at least permanent and pensionable salary. I doubt the available documentation will give this man; who only judges my ability to hold a conversation by my academic qualifications and not anything I say.
See now, men are scary fellows who on seeing my high school certificate will flee. These of course are my insecurities created by my mother and every female person that ever taught me. Trouble is as I sit with James from accounting to have coffee, I will worry about my appeal on so many fronts. I will make jokes about hating math so he knows I failed, I will shoot down every attempt to bring up teacher recruitment and view with heavy suspicion any and all compliments relating to my brain and constantly steer conversation to my students and their antics. Fingers crossed for second date.