So today we had a thanksgiving service in church. The pastor’s sermon was on giving thanks as you would expect. Usually I am dissatisfied because I feel that the preacher does not say the things I was hoping to hear. It is possible I am often preoccupied with what I want to feel after the sermon than the sermon itself. I pray that the day’s sermon speaks to my heart and deals with the past week’s issues then worry that it is not specific enough.
The sermon today did speak to me. I mean I am a polite person probably because good manners was drilled into me by the nuns at boarding school with far more zeal than anything else in the curriculum but realized today I am a very ungrateful person.i don’t say thank you. The pastor said that if you are complaining you are probably not giving thanks. This made me think about how unhappy I am with where my career is. I have often asked God whether he has something against me or whether I am undeserving.
See growing up I promised myself that by the time I was 28 I would have bought myself some land, odd I know, I am no longer 28. Yesterday someone asked me what I am studying and I told them that I did not like to talk about it because it embarrasses me. To be honest getting my degree was something I hoped to have done by now but then things don’t work out the way we plan them. Maybe it was God’s plan. I really can’t speak about that with any authority. Like most people I want God’s plan to be a brand new Subaru or a new job in a big city. I don’t want to persevere or wait. I want a nice cushy job, a tall handsome husband, 2.5 children and an even tempered Rottweiller NOW!
As the preacher pointed out that we should be thankful at all time (1Thessalonians 5:16,Phillipians 4:6) I wondered about all the times I have complained about the things I wanted to have and didn’t have. All the times I argued with God about the job He wouldn’t give me. All the times I have been embarrassed about being an undergraduate because I was so much better than those daft people who only went to school to get a paper and had learnt nothing. I am a proud person, I get it from my father, so it irks me that I am not the best. I want to have ” Princes and Counts bustling buzzing like bees around a hive” like Hlestakov in Gogol’s Government Inspector. There is nothing wrong with wishing for a better life. Problem is that I have found myself angry at God and the society for not having the things that I have always wanted. I have asked the question,”Where were you God?”.
I think I forget the other things that I have. Unlike a lot of people I have a job, a good boss and enjoy teaching. I have paid my school fees. I am smart and enjoy taking tests (well, to a degree) I believe my problem is that I worry too much about what people will think. I grew up always trying to do enough to deserve acknowledgement.Maybe I am one of those people constantly seeking adulation. I do not want to live like that i love life far too much to not stop and smell the roses and appreciate the fact that not only can i see the roses i also have a nose that works. You should too.