I am a christian. An average one at best though I have had moments of great spiritual awakening. Lately I have had the feeling that I do not belong. My faith is not there not even in its usual average capacity. I feel like God gave me a raw deal. I had hopes dreams and everyday I watch them disappear in a blackhole of wrong choices. You might say I have no grounds to blame God. Maybe you are right but why didn’t he point out the way. I digress.
I am not a straight out sinner (said the sinner) I do a few bad things. Am human right. Thing is faith is beginning to seem pointless. Finding the middle ground between scientific truth and spiritual truth is becoming very difficult. I feel plagued by evidence that God is a figment of the human imagination, modelled to fulfill human inadequancies, a standard created by humans that they can never achieve but can tirelessly aspire to. I can never be “…holy like he is holy” because the creator of religion (the human psyche) made sure enlightenment, atonement are impossible to achieve.
Ritual for me has also lost its flavor. I don’t know it feels like an empty song, vacuous worship, that is aimlessly repetitive. I keep asking ‘to what end’. At the end of the service I go home feeling wrung out and tired. Like I left God in church where I found him. Granted I haven’t gone to church in awhile- long while – but that’s how I felt when I did go.
I want to find the desire for congregation. Meeting together. The desire to praise and worship and not be suffocated by the futility of life. It shouldn’t be hard but it feels like between me and home there is such a distance, such a separation *sigh* I know am whining instead of doing something but hey the internet right.
I want maybe to find mysticism or I dont know, I love God but I seem to have lost the power or the language *smh* to say it.