Hi I am not much of a writer, my little sister is, am a bit of an artist. I like to kinda draw, I haven’t in a while, but I like to. I like clothes or maybe used to. I wanted to be a fashion designer when I was little, made my first dress at 12 it wasn’t much but it was from me, was me. I love to cook though more than anything. The best part is that moment when you watch people eat, in a non-Hannibal way of course. Its I think what mozart felt when he played. The other thing is making the food, best feeling in the world, relieves stress, helps me think and the end is not far off. I know everything has a downside…
So am I an artist…..?!?
Well I teach, I have mixed feelings about it. I have had my heart broken by a few people of varied gender and age but teaching and education has torn my heart to shreds over and over again. It hurts, I went to a Workshop today and they talked about how teaching is awesome how good it is to work for the T.S.C and the kids. I love the kids, but its like a relationship that isn’t working all it does is break you tear you but you stay for the kids. It takes away your desire to live but what can you do… right.
I wanna do something about it. Because I want to be somebody. I wanna feel like I matter to myself and to those around. I want to not feel like am constantly pushing on a pull door. I dont want this person trying to be what she was told to be because “what else can a person like you do”. As in I am __ years old and I have no career no real money, no real anything not even an illegitimate child (fact that I dont like children much not withstanding). All I see are people younger than me living better lives and mine getting no better whatever change of attitude I pick up.
I wonder am I evil, cursed or just living somebody elses life the wrong way. Arrrgh now am angry.